Reflections for the Separated and Divorced

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?  My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night but I find no rest. – Psalms 22:1-2, NIV
Meditate on the crucifix and remember that Christ knows what it is like to feel as though the Father doesn’t hear your cries or understand your pain. Allow Christ to join in your pain.

“There must be no hostility in our minds, no contempt in our eyes, no insult on our lips” – Saint John Bosco
Read Ephesians 4:26-27. Forgive your former spouse – and forgive yourself – for anything you might have said or done in anger.

“Christ doesn’t promise life will be ‘a party.’ He promises hope – a light at the end of the tunnel.” – Pope Francis, May 30, 204 (from a tweet)
Reflect on the quote from Pope Francis. Know that even in your darkest moments Christ will be your light.

“Hate: It has caused a lot of problems in this world, but it has not solved one yet.” – Maya Angelou

Pope Saint John Paul II said, “Darkness can only be scattered by light, hatred can only be conquered by love.” What can you do to end bitterness and hatred as a result of your divorce or separation? Pray for the grace to overcome any hostility that may be directed toward you.

“To live by faith means to put our lives in the hands of God, especially in our most difficult moments.” – Pope Francis, May 23, 2014 (from a tweet)
You may be thinking: “Will this ever end? Will my former spouse ever stop trying to hurt me? I can’t take any more!” Put your trust in Jesus and know that he will calm the storms of your life as he calmed the sea.

“Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts.” – Henri Frederic Amiel
In any divorce or separation, it is easy to focus on the negative events that have taken place. Pray this prayer of thanksgiving as a way to thank God for all that is good in your life, even when it is difficult to see it.

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life.” – Akshay Dubey
In what ways do you need to be healed? Reflect on the passion of Christ, and know that he suffers with you through your pain. And reflect, too, on the way he healed all those who came to him, even in the midst of his own suffering.

“For he commands his angels with regard to you, to guard you wherever you go.” – Psalms 91:11

Not seeing your children daily is one of the most painful results of a separation or divorce. Trust that God will protect them and keep them safe, even when they are not in your care. Think of ways he can help you cope with the void you feel in your heart when they are not with you.

“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading the last one.” – Unknown

Pope Francis has said, “Never let the past determine your life … always look forward.” Pray for the ability to let go of past mistakes and sins. Free yourself of guilt, or of what could have been. Learn from the past, but live in the present.

“There is another sadness: the sadness that comes to all of us when we take the wrong road… Be courageous in suffering and remember that after the Lord will come, after joy will come, after the dark comes the sun.” – Pope Francis, Homily, May 30, 2014

Overcoming the initial pain of replaying what went wrong in your marriage will lead to healing. Pray for patience if you are seeking a divorce and/or an annulment. Know that over time you will heal from the pain, and trust in God’s mercy and love.

“No one is more patient than God the Father; no one understands and knows how to wait as much as he does.” – Pope Francis, May 2, 2014 (from a tweet)
Saint Francis de Sales said, “Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.” In what ways and in what situations do I need to be patient and place my trust in God?

“There is no evil to be faced that Christ does not face with us. There is no enemy that Christ has not already conquered. There is no cross to bear that Christ has not already borne for us, and does not now bear with us.” – Pope Saint John Paul II
Do you see the hand of God in all that befalls you? Read Psalms 31:1-6 and know that God is with you in times of adversity.

“I earnestly call upon pastors and the whole community of the faithful to help the divorced, and with solicitous care to make sure that they do not consider themselves as separated from the Church, for as baptized persons they can, and indeed must, share in her life.” – Saint John Paul II (Familiaris Consortio, 84)
If you are divorced but not remarried, you are still a member of the Church and can receive the sacraments, including the Eucharist. Only if you have remarried without an annulment are you asked to refrain from receiving Communion. Contact your pastor to discuss the particulars of your situation so you can once again receive Eucharistic Communion. For more information on divorced but not remarried Catholics read the Catechism, 2386. For those remarried outside of the Church, refer to 1665.

“Praise God, from whom all blessings flow; Praise him, all creatures here below; Praise him above, ye heavenly host; Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.” – Thomas Ken, “Awake, My Soul, and with the Sun”

In good moments or bad moments, offer this prayer of praise to surrender all to God and to acknowledge his goodness to you.

“If you ever feel distressed during your day – call upon Our Lady – just say this simple prayer: ‘Mary, Mother of Jesus, please be a mother to me now.’ I must admit – this prayer has never failed me.” – Saint Mother Teresa
Pray through Mary to Jesus. She will help you. “In the difficult moments of life, Christians can turn to the Mother of God and find protection and care,” says Pope Francis.

“Still today, the Old Testament Book of Psalms gives great power and faith and life. This is simply because it preserves a conceptually rich language about God and our relationships to him. If you bury yourself in Psalms, you emerge knowing God and understanding life.” – Dallas Willard
The Psalms are perfect prayers, inspired by the Holy Spirit. They deal with every aspect of life. They understand the pain of broken relationships, abandonment, grief, and sorrow. They also lift us up when we feel down and cheer us with real joy. Psalm 51 (For repentance), Psalm 23 (For trust in God), Psalm 103 (For God’s mercy), Psalm 116 (For thanksgiving). 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Do you feel like giving up? Do you think that your situation will never improve? Trust in God and know that he will give you the courage, strength, and confidence that you need.

The prodigal son took one step forward and, out of nowhere, he began to hear shouts, howls, exclamations of joy and surprise. He knew that voice; he had heard it since he was young. Suddenly, he was on the ground. Someone had tackled him with a huge hug. The kisses that he received on that road rekindled something in him that he hadn’t felt for a long time: he was loved.
Realizing that it was his father, he pulled himself together and began saying everything that he “should” say. He had practiced the best explanations to excuse himself. He had prepared the best confession. But it wasn’t necessary. Because mercy doesn’t demand explanations. Thus, the first step is to believe that God’s mercy and welcome is real.

A message from your child: I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. Please call me, email, text, and ask me lots of questions. I need you. Pray for me and with me.

“You are not the sum of your weaknesses, but the sum of your Father’s love.”, observed Saint John Paul II. Although the thought applies to all, it can be real solace for those experiencing the deep pain and shock of those first days, weeks and months of separation. When you are in that paralyzing moment of hurt and pain, remember that Our Father loves you. He knows your anguish. He is present when cry, or when you can’t cry and words fail you. And He will walk with you once you emerge from paralysis and have decided to let yourself live again.

At various stages of your journey as a separated/divorced person, you may feel tempted to act in a vengeful way upon strong emotions. How to manage these emotions in a Christian way when what you experience seems so unchristian? Use a simple formula: name it, claim it, tame it. Name it: Acknowledge the strong emotions. Claim it: Say it out loud – I am angry! Tame it: Emotions can and must be ruled by your intellect. So seek counseling and spiritual guidance. Pray, workout or even clean out a closet. Do any constructive activity so your action will be positive. You will feel better about yourself and be able to move forward in your healing.

Divorce is a terrible scourge to bear, but there are far too many people in this world who refuse to forgive those who have hurt them. They end up suffering the consequences, one of which is poor health and premature aging as they nurse their, disappointment, resentment and anger. Why be one of them? Make the choice to forgive today and start living your life in freedom and happiness.

No justice, no peace. This slogan can be unsettling, although there is some truth in it. Ultimately though, a divorced person cannot find peace in a heated and unrelenting search for justice, because you will most likely never get it. You can’t force your ex-spouse to return or apologize. Christ says, “as I have done for you, you should also do.” We are called to treat everyone with dignity and charity, even those who have hurt or betrayed us. This doesn’t mean that Jesus wants you to be a doormat. Definitely not! It means to stop participating in the fight, and to stop living and responding in the emotional moment. Walk away from the fight and the feelings it creates.

When going through troubled times, many people complain that they cannot find God. “Where is God when I need Him the most?” God, of course, is present with you at every moment. But there may be too many obstructions and preoccupations that get in the way of seeing Him. St. Alphonsus Ligouri said, “If a crystal vase is filled with dirt, the sun cannot penetrate it. The light of God cannot illuminate a heart that is attached to things of this world.” Identify those things that are filling your heart and preventing God’s love and grace from filling your heart. Offer Him those things, and experience His love as it unburdens you.

Even happily married couples fight. For couples in middle of a separation or divorce, tensions can run very high. Whether your children are very young, teenagers or even your adults still at home, remember not to burden them with your conflicts and anxieties. If you are tempted to argue and fight, quietly leave and go for a walk or do some other activity that will allow you to calm down and re-centre yourself. Set aside some time to discuss matters calmly with your spouse or ex without the children. Choose to talk about your stress, frustrations and burdens with an understanding friend or a good counselor. And offer them all up to Jesus, who is always present, knows you even better than yourself and loves you with a perfect love.

This Lent, may I give up harsh words, and use generous ones instead. May I give up unhappiness, and take up gratitude. May I give up anger, and take up gentleness and patience. May I give up pessimism, and take up hope. May I give up worrying, and take up trust in God. May I give up stress, and take up prayer. May I give up on judging others, and discover Jesus within them. My I give up sorrow and bitterness, and fill my heart wit joy. May I give up selfishness, and take up compassion for others. May I give up being unforgiving, and learn reconciliation. May I give up words, and fill myself with silence, to better listen to others.

EASTER: Today, this day, is a day to rejoice. No matter what your marital situation, hope lies in the very thing we celebrate in this Easter season – the Resurrection of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and his triumph over sin and death. May the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding be yours today, this day. He is risen! Alleluia!

Emotional baggage is the inevitable by-product of divorce. It’s there whether we like it or not. You don’t have to be chained to it, however. Detaching yourself from its toxic effects, and then making it your own is possible. It takes courage – to face the truth of what happened. Humility – to learn the lessons that will follow. Determination – to make the future better by not letting the past control you. And prayer. Lots and lots and lots of prayer! On this Feast of Pentecost, ask the Holy Spirit to bring you patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, a mastery of your emotions and most of all, love, peace and joy.

Practice forgiveness every day. Especially if you’ve gone through a divorce, there is much to forgive: your ex-spouse, the other man/woman, in-laws, etc. Or maybe you are the one who needs the most forgiveness? Are you having trouble forgiving yourself? God will give you the grace you need to forgive if you ask Him for it in your prayers. He wants to help you clean out the anger and resentment from your heart so there is more room for love. The kind of love that will transform you and those around you!

The human mind may devise many plans, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will be established. – Proverbs 19:21

Being single and divorced can be very lonely, and getting back into the social world and meeting other men and women can become a bit of a game. How much time do you spend sitting around waiting for that person to call or respond to your message? Consider this: How many times has God sent you an inspiration to focus on Him and His love for you, but you missed it because you were busy waiting for someone else’s call? Don’t forget that you have a distinct purpose in life, a path to heaven just for you, and God is prompting you to act. Get going on your mission in life. And when the time is appropriate, God will bring you the one He’s chosen for you.

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. – John 6:35 Have you drifted away from your faith since your divorce? Maybe you feel angry, disconnected or simply don’t understand if you are welcome? In dealing with divorce, we find ourselves starving for something to fill that horrible void. Often we look to the wrong things for comfort. The sacraments of reconciliation and the Eucharist can give you all that you need. Christ feeds us with His own body and blood. That is how much He loves us! If you are drifting away, come back. He will comfort and sustain you in times of trial.

One way to help reduce the pain and suffering of divorce is to spend time with someone who is in the beginning stages of that experience. It’s amazing how walking in someone else’s shoes can bring the other person a great deal of consolation. Use your experience to help others, walking with them through on of the toughest times in life.

Do you still struggle with forgiving you ex-spouse and anyone else who has hurt you? If so, take fifteen minutes when you can, and pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary, or the Stations of the Cross. Contemplating the passion of Jesus is a great way to learn to forgive.

Is a friend of yours going through a divorce? If so, ask how he or she is really doing. Make room for the many different types of feelings that come up. Bee a good friend and listen. Ask how you can support them. Encourage them to join a support group. Suggest the annulment process and discourage them from dating right away as they are still sacramentally married. Above all, please pray for your friend!

That first Christmas, or even the second one after a separation and a divorce, can be very difficult. You may find yourself in difficult situations, with family and friends unsure about how to act, or what to say to you and perhaps your children. You may also feel strong emotions and the desire to throw a pity party or two. First, recognize your feelings, and give yourself permission to feel them. Find quiet moments alone during the holidays to process and pray. Second, set up ahead of time a “sharing date” with a friend or relative who understands your situation more fully, so that you can discuss what you’re going through, share your feelings and vent. Third, be kind to those who are trying to make you feel better but don’t really know what to say. It may be awkward for you, but they care. Fourth, put aside some time to catch up on things you didn’t have time for. Organize a room, clean out a closet, finally read that book you put off reading, or go cross-country skiing with friends. Give yourself permission to have fun. Lastly, but most importantly, focus on Jesus. Think of Him as the new-born baby, ready to begin His journey, and ready to accompany you on the beginning of this new part of your life’s journey. Allow Him to walk with you and give thanks for His love.

When going through troubled times, many people complain that they cannot find God. St. Alphonsus Liguori said, “If a crystal vase is filled with dirt, the sun cannot penetrate it. The light of God cannot illuminate a heart that is attached to things of this world.” Identify those things that are filling your heart and preventing God’s love and grace from filling your heart. Then, place it all at the foot of the cross and experience your Saviour. – Lisa Duffy: A Road to Healing

After divorce, the community doesn’t always know the best way to offer that loving embrace that God wants to give you. But this doesn’t mean that we aren’t welcome or loved. Don’t give up on looking for it in your encounters with others in the parish, and married couples and families. Don’t give up on looking for it in the company and consolation of a good priest or a loving friend that is secure in his or her faith. To receive that embrace, we need to allow others to do so. And once you have found those people, stay close! Because no matter what one’s situation in life may be, it’s important to be accompanied to discuss one’s faith journey. – From CatholicLink.org

We welcome Him as King, and in less than a week, we crucify Him like a criminal. Dear Lord, as I contemplate the events of Holy Week, especially your passion, I think of all the times I personally welcomed You into my heart and then closed it off to You. My heart has been broken, and I mistakenly believed that building a wall would protect me from further hurt. Today, grant me the grace to recognize you as my King, to worship You always, and to know that my healing lies with You. You will work the bad things that have happened to me for my good. Grant me the grace to embrace my cross with love, as You do, and walk with You to Calvary where my sincere prayer will always be heard: Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom (Luke 23:42).

 – Lisa Duffy: A Road to Healing

We live in troubled times. Everything that is moral, just and right seems to be turned upside down, mocked, and disdained. This situation makes it very difficult to cope with the disaster of divorce, especially when children are involved. But let not your heart be troubles, as Scripture says, because Christ will bring you the peace and understanding you need if you remain connected to Him in prayer. From simple conversations to all twenty decades of the rosary, it doesn’t really matter what type of prayer you choose. Wat matters is joining your heart with His, sharing your worries and concerns with Him, and opening your heart to whatever He wants to give you. This is how you can have peace in the midst of chaos. – From A Road to Healing by Lisa Duffy

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